heat and hormones.
where do i begin this......
im sad. miserable.depressed. and down wid a killer heat stoke.
for the past week... ive been working like a maniac. not something new.... happens often. tests... submissions... the jazz.....
and now i crash.
a sleep deprived.... sex starved soul ,me.

today... monday. the worst ever.....
a day full of screw ups.. realizations.... bad beginnings......

im supposed to leave this place in three days.... meet my family all together after a year.... meet my oldest friends... 5 days...
i should be happy i guess...
the truth... i dont want to go.

ive started a project here..... teething problems and teehing minds of people... i dont want to leave mu baby and leave.....or rather .. i feel like id be running away maybe.....

after yelling at ppl .. and being yelled at... after being responsible for all that got cocked up..... i feel bad aboput myself.
i realized that i have trouble accepting authority.
that i cant delegate duties to ppl ... dont trust them enough....
am too committed to this new thing... i have a feeling i am over doing this thing... its no longer zealous... its fanaticism.
and i am scared by the person i mite appear to be these days.... i dont want to be like that.....

the heat fianlly triumphed. i couldnt keep fighting.a splitting headache.... a temp that makes you uncomfy,sweaty...
puking ... and at the same time dehydrated.
it didnt help that these girls and their friends/boyfriends went and watched da vinci code.and had a good time post that. dinner and jazz.... and i couldnt go bcoz i was ill and had work....
i felt good though when they came back..... THEY SAW IT IN HINDI..... teee hee hee...
yes i am sadisitic too....

the light hurts... working at the comp in the dark is supposed to be bad for the eyes......
my dog family here have come to say hi.... ahh yes... these gawar rajastani girls have called the dog pound to take them away.. im too tired to cry.... to drained to fight....i just listened....

slept most of the night....punctuated by bad dreams,or bad news abt demented ppl here.... woke up sweating each time....
i used to feel guilty about zonking off... that was a long time ago.....
i did my test.... i dont know if the last test was good or bad.... only marks can tell i guess....

im sick.im a pathetic case.
im vulnerable.. fallen apart.
i want someone to put me back into place.
radhika.. used to thwack me over the head in my fits of madness when we were 13... will you do it again.....
i miss my boyfriend.....yes all you who have raised an eyebroe... i have been reduced to being just another girl.....i want some one to soothe me, hug me, scold me and hold me.
i need help.