mother hubbard does laundry...

its become a weekend activity.... a ritual,the sanctity of which must be upheld at any cost.....
the week's laundry...
all that accumulates.
finally saturday morning dawns....
the newer technological products like washing machines havent reached our good ole establishment as yet.thus 5 am...i fortify myself,and dispel all fears that one day i might open my cupboard to find that i have no clean underwear or socks...
i go through the drill.... soak it all in the largest bucketful of warm soap water...spend all my energy in scrubbing them,till i am drained.put it all out in the sun... neatly spread and all possibilities of creases are effectively dealt with.
as soon as they are half dry i whisk my fabindias and other khadis and blah to dip them in 0.75 dilute starch solution.
as i have no inclination nor the energy in me to wash anymore.... i choose to continue to live in my denims....they are spared the treatment that mite seem to them like spartan cruelty.
it is the the greatest feeling to fold them in the evening... the fresh smell of detergent lingers... and the warm sunshine is.... just so warm....
the next best feeling to this is..... ummm...
jim morrison and beer.
making out in the afternoon rain....
driving into a sunset....
all of that..

.... in the name of love...

ive meandered through it.ive dwelt in it.
ive glowed in it. ive risen in it.
ive loved.ive been loved.and i loved it.

ive been so in love
felt walled in...thought i was protected.
lost perspective...thought i was secure.
felt happiest.. thought i was special.
obsessed...no thats exaggerated....but i thought it was passion.

i never realized that i was losing myself.
my independence.my confidence.my beliefs.
i dont need to verbalize everything.
i believe that soulmate and all is just hokum.
i was compromising on my precious,private cerebullar space.

i want to be totally alone again... and not to miss you every time im alone.
i want to think,analyze and criticize.. not to dish it to you as entertaining cute shit.
i can be a fallen human by myself.. i dont need a pair of human arms to fall into.

yet always...
i will demand respect bcoz im a person.. not coz im a woman.
i will look for a shoulder.... bcoz i will cry if and when i when i have to.
i will have my mood swings and be difficult...and expect you to toleate it all.
i will,sometime soon,be wanting to have you around... but wont call you.
i will sway to the the music in my head all by myself.
i will brood ,and be grumpy... bcoz i love being grumpy.

i sound bitter,self centered,and betrayed....
none of it.
i just hurt myself.
i loved too much.
it wasnt your fault.the unsaid suits me.

now i shall return to being me.
thank you.
and au revoir.

morning raga.

it isnt like they show on tv..... pale sunshine and coffee mug.sleepy headed and dreamy smile.....

muy dawn.... 5 am... its stilll dark...
just back from a jog....(jog,walk,jog,walk......)dark.... the sky wasnt pink and golden.
the street lamps were on... and the traffic was giuded by the head lights.the few people on the pavements huddled around small fires....
thru this very urban dawn i heard some stray avian strains... and felt the dew moistening my jacket.
hooded figures huffed and by occasionally.....and i panted on...
back in muy room.... its still dark outside.
against a now dark blackish purple sky i see the black outlines of the decidous branches... scantily leaved.
there is no music for jumpstarting the day..... no reminders on littel yellow post its.
its just me.... staring thru muy window.....
im so content.so at peace.
im encouraged towards i know not what.
im energized..... and looking to channelize it.
im in love... with fresh air and what i have.
im talking to my ma.... a call just ike that.
im sleepy now.... so i shall shower and go to bed.
the end of my day.....

amoeba

thats what my mood is like rite now...
im shapeless.
i feel that my thoughts are bubble gummy.
im moving.... but no singular movement to muy motility.
i am a simple uni- grey- cellular thing.
i have a membranous covering... but man, am i thick skinned at times.
i absorb and process almost anything thru muy system....its always food for thought.
i am an amoeba...tremendously pseodopodic and extremely boring.