all of a sudden.....

all of a sudden the break ups in every single movie make sense....
every reason is valid.. and needs no qed.

all of a sudden im so mad at all the women in the class...
what stopped them from walking away...or why did they wait so long to do it....
maria.... walk ,woman.
catherine.... you had to deal with the most diff of them all.... and you did a cool job of it.... your line abt not being able to take love goes down in history.....
sara... your husband was just another man... too obsessed with his work and his achievements and too full of himself... not some greek god.
faith....why couldnt you just tell him... was he too intimidating..
and eva... your man was an awesomw guy... but wasnt he man enough... why did you have to baby him....

all of a sudden...
i can no longer see the line between
being an average human being and being a doormat.

all of a sudden....
as i continue to love....
i wonder where i gave all my love.

all i want to love now is a dog....
muy books.....
ice cream....
all the old music while it rains....
being me myself and me again....

loving is such a pain.......
i need fresh air....

I'm sitting here in the boring room
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon(except that it is wed...)
I'm wasting my timeI got nothing to do
I'm hanging aroundI'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens
and I wonder

I'm driving around in my car
im driving too fast I'm driving too far....(ha.. i wish that WAS happening...)
I'd like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens
and I wonder
I wonder how I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see ,is just a yellow lemon-tree

I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

I'm sitting here I miss the powerI'd like to go out taking a shower
But there's a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired
Put myself into bed
Well, nothing ever happens and I wonder

Isolation is not good for me
Isolation I don't want to sit on the lemon-tree

I'm steppin' around in the desert of joy
Baby anyhow I'll get another toy
And everything will happen
and i wonder.

moving on or whatever.....

kartik says hes not coming home bcoz he has placement( hes a closet nerd.)
rudhira is leaving for hyderabed.... google...
harsha had summers in bbay....( see i told you it would rain....)
chitra mishra dhish plz plz plz do not go abroad to work.....
aditya chat... one day he goes to noida.... two weeks later hes sent to uk to work.(!!!??)
punnk uzz.... though hes just a year older to me(or so he says... i dont blv him there even for a minute...) he seems to three years ahead of me academically and 5 years career wise...
anushree.... shes at red earth.... she ok.. she gets to meet/check out hot, older, artisit type men ALL DAY LONG....
quirky kulkarni..... got the best job... gruelling corporate work hours...all the equip and jazz he has dreamt of for the past few years.. yet no office cubby hole... just space...no co workers... just friends.... no pressure.... just him.
atri is working too.... well... so he says... he has his booze... his music top priority always.. his girl,his place,.. and the guy is too bong... has zero work commitment et al... awesome..
ponchy has her own ngo.. kudos child....

what happens to me.... im slightly scared now.. i dont even know where im heading.....

at 4 25 am.... miles to go before i sleep.....

my fav poem.... ma taught me once while she was correcting papers or something...and i was just thoroughly bored....

since approx 8 pm... ive showered,sat around waiting for a phone call,chalked out my tv schedule for the night(and managed to sandwich in a few hours of study too!!!)... cried into my pillow... got mad coz it wasnt raining,re read parts of "the class" and re affirmed (to myself) bits of current reality.... watched the football matches.... and then the replays/highlights...
couldnt switch channels as i had a couple of books on my lap and a pen in my hand.... and thus couldnt hold the remote at the same time.....

at 3 am .. me the rain goddess had had enough... i went upto to the terrace.,., stared at the sky and summoned the rains.... commanded,demanded....
by the way.. here the cuckoo cuckoos even at this hour.... now i either get why they say gone cuckoo or the cuckoo has actually gone cuckoo.....

and then it rained...!!!!
thunder,lightning,wind.... a lot of rain....till the lights went out... and while the entire hoster slumbered... the rain queen danced the tribal rain dance alone on the terrace.....
the uncried tears were shed.... and the dried up happiness in me was re-juvinated....

i had to rite this.... do i change out of my wet shorts and tee or do i allow the cushioned chair and the floor to get wet.....
i havent spoken a word in the past 10 hrs or so.... ive been awefully depressed and awesomely happy.....
this is the best nite ive had in the past 3 weeks......
there shall always be a 3 am to 4 am......
and miles to go before i sleep .....
miles to go before i sleep......

mudder fudder bebi brudder.

between two sets of exams.... i travelled some 5 days to spend 5 days with my fam.
insane as it may sound... it was more than worth it.
now that im back in coll..... exams and the rest of the orchestra playing for me a specially composed symphony.....heres when the conducter is on a tea break.......

my mom....
pineapples,watermelons,mangoes and kurtas....
dear batty..... we walked,we loafed,we went for mass. she wanted a book. i wanted a bracelet. she thinks shes growing old.... i said shes aging... and being more childish on the process.she still is a die hard eng fan....and she still gets excited abt little things.she is still an ostrich...burys her head under the sand when she is confronted with all that doesnt fit into her opinions and views....."but she comes up soon.... she has to see whats happening ."
ice cream again?
and yes.. she still has a gazillion questions every time i decide to go out at night.

baba....
we lost out on many years... and many conversations.
we both realize that i understand him better than most ppl.... at times even ma.and that i may not know him best.... but i know what he is not saying.maybe the genes rebelled,screamed and made their point.
and for many things that didnt happen... i was sad.
for many things that did happen.... i am sad.
for many things that may happen.... i dont know.

bhai.... the machchi(housefly)...
the puny four feet nothing wimp who would cry at nothing.....now nearly six feet... as skinny.... and so much more adult.last year... he was drifting... college held no meaning. architecture was a word to him even after a year of studying it.. i knew more abt it than he did....
and now... he is so much more ...adult(?) than i am.he isnt just a human being now.... he isnt just a smart(er) guy now..hes a whole new guy. i wanted to now what hes been upto in the past year... what music hes discoeverd... what books he has read... what he writes... what his photography means to him and to the rest of the world....
yet we found reason to fight... to argue...football,complains...."maaa... didi just took away my...."
...."maaa,bhai just....."
hes more bohemian than i ever was... and i ever can be.
i dont just love him. im proud of him.

a couple of my cousins....after the many cups of coffee... the conversations in the rain,the feedback on work, family blah,values,kidding around.... loves and lost loves.. or soured loves... i realized that they are just.... males.

its been worth it.
i was happy.now im kind of sad.
its come to this... that us spending time together as a family is no longer a natural thing.we have to check and confirm dates... reschedule,cancel,rush and re vamp agendas....
that we cant just be family and think of stuff we did... we also have to cherish the times we are together from now on.

to the one in the north,in the east, in the south....
cheers.
till the next time... whenever that shall be...

guy bashing!

i hate guys who have to touch me when talking....
i hate guys who think that i cant do wothout them.,... or that he cant do without me....
i hate it when guys think that they need to spend every free minute with me... or vice versa.... and will chek to see where and what i am upto the minute they are free....
i hate it when they have to share every single detali of thier lives with me... sarting from which long lost relaative has turned up.. ot who said what upsetting thing... to what retarded idea they are getting.... note... getTING... in the process.. and i have to sit and listen to the idea taking place.....
i hate it when guys think they are my father,grandfather and godfather all in one....
i hateit when guys are concerned and try to help and jazz when im in trouble or dilemna only bcoz i am a girl.. and have a notion that i am emotionally and mentally puny bcoz i am a girl....
i hate it when guys have to call up say mundane things like .....
i hate it when guys will be horny... and only horny after 11 pm.....
i hate it that guys can comrehend frigging playstations and games and crap but not a simple story book....
i hate it that guys cant seem to understan that even silence is mode of communication.......
i hate it that guys are so undiplomatic,egoistic,dominating dickheaded boyfriends....even to those who girls who arent their girl friends...
i hate it that guys are ..... well... just plain dumb.
no this is not that time of the month.... its not that ive lost it... (i have actually.. to be honest.)
and no..... mr kumar...... none of this applies to you.... dare you even try to be any different.. or treat me differently after reading this.... im talking about "GUYS"...
not you. get it??