happy holi to me,hasta la vista and nightswimming. ive never been a very festive sort of a person.dont much like crowds,too loud laughter.. and flitting thru conversations and people and inert activity.i did play holi once.... long time ago.... baba took us up on the terrace.loaded with plastic artillary and aqua based ammunition.lol.i had fun.i was six. now... the only thing i look forward to this holi weekend is going and picking a good shampoo....and i salivate as i choose from vo5 sunkissed raspberry,honey and milk,passion friut ,cucumber and melons,balckberry and mint... these are all shampoos mind you..... heres a time when all the kids in campus are caught up in a mad frenzy of playing holi.... im trying hard to find the element of fun in being a hippo cum pig cum wilde african buffaloe rolling in mud,sliding in mud,donning a camoflauge to look naturally apish and cro magnon.and im still trying. there IS and element of bonding.of forgetting past differences without having to say anything.... a bucket of 1.5 % coloured solution and a laugh does it. a mature way of handling it im sure. an opprtunity to get "revenge"for something that occured some time between last holi and this one.girlfriend versus boyfriend.this is the last year.we never shall play holi together again. amen to that. these are the last few days.college finishes in a couple of months.academic pressure...ummm.well... whatever.post grad... whatever.work...whatever. where does that leave me...??? blissfully unaware. college.what about it.... people???events...??? ive had a great time here.muy college life has been the best. ive never associated muyself with it.ive had friends elsewhere.ive had classmates from school whove been there everyday for everything.ive had a boyfriend who was around for the best things and the worst. ive shared sunsets and greenery with ppl from home.ive done the craziest things from impromptu train trips to booze,rock and football... with ppl from home. ive grown up,down and sideways... and the crowd here have had nothing to do with it. in between bouts of tearing my hair,raving,ranting and sniffling about the state of affairs here....ive read a lot.thought a lot.become calmer.older.ive had a lot of time and opportunity to be thourough in everything from history and socio to aeronotics(which i dont get too much of..)ive had the privelege of being able to churn things in muy mind,digest it better.learn.formulate.think... it has no begiining and no end.ive survived on threads of nostalgia,the company of canines and bovines... and inevitably the two legged pre historics. iv become a person.. more happy and stronger to be who and what i am. ive become a recluse.very wierd.unsocial.unpresentable..(or so ive been told)... and im happy about it. i never was able to establish a "group"who id hang out with.. go watch movies... have "fun"... etc. yes i have had ppl.... whove got into trouble with me... me being the leader.i have had muy share of going out with friends. i discovered,quite happily,that i hate movies... sitting in the dark for three hours is a waste... rather get a cd and then talk about it and discuss it... not worth it otherwise. i have a few good friends.some of them totally not me.... but so human that i would be downrite shameless not to give them their due. i have loads of memories.... of falling apart,of numerous walks,of conversations....of being lonely. i have loads of baggage to take home....books,scribbles,poetry,unsent letters,sneakers..and muy cycle. i have loads of me that remain un fortified. ive loved muy college life.what it has given me.the space .the liberty.the opportunity. the fact that i can walk away from here without emotional attachments,romantic affiliations,things i will miss and all that. im a loner. im happy about it now. in the past it was simon and garfunkels" i am a rock" that was muy mantra.... it still is.... but this minute.....going back to all of you tht matter.... after going thru college.. i know ive grown.... ive come to terms with it and im happy.. to a certain extent. heres the song... in bits....for all those who and all that is just a memory.... and that helped immensly. i loved college..... Nightswimming deserves a quiet night. The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago, turned around backwards so the windshield shows. Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse. Still, it's so much clearer. I'm not sure all these people understand. It's not like years ago, The fear of getting caught, of recklessness and water. They cannot see me naked. These things, they go away, replaced by everyday. You, I thought I knew you. You I cannot judge. You, I thought you knew me, this one laughing quietly underneath my breath. Nightswimming. The photograph reflects, every streetlight a reminder. Nightswimming deserves a quiet night, deserves a quiet night.